Those Who Trust...

"Those who trust in the Lord are as secure as Mount Zion; they will not be defeated but will endure forever."  ~Psalm 125:1

"Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you."   ~Psalm 9:10

"Declare me innocent, O Lord, for I have acted with integrity; I have trusted in the Lord without wavering."   ~Psalm 26:1

     I like to think and believe that I believe God and His promises. I tend to think and believe that I trust in Him and Him alone. So why, then, do I find myself so anxious? Why do I stay in this state of fear and anxiety?  I have quoted scripture after scripture about fear and worry.  I have written them down on paper and in my heart.  I know that I should not fear. I know that He will protect me. I know that He will provide for me and my family. I know that He loves me and cares about what happens to me.  Yet I still cannot shake these feelings of darkness looming about...  

     So that, in turn, makes me feel like I am not trusting God. That I am not giving my cares to Him. It makes me feel like I am trying too hard to control things going on and not letting Him work in my life. And then, those feelings of doubt lead to feelings of guilt.  I feel guilty that I am not in a place in my life where I am letting go and letting God. I feel guilty that I don't have the relationship with Him that I want and need.

     Why can't I trust in the Lord "without wavering"?  What do I need to do to develop my relationship further? How do I address the root of fear and anxiety?  I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I have read the Word. I have talked to God and pleaded with Him to take these feeling away from me. To deliver me from my fear. I have talked about these feelings with others.

     So, just for a reference, here is an ongoing issue concerning me.

     For many years I have had heart palpitations. They used to be few and far between, as in they would occur a few times per year, maybe.  They didn't really bother me, although they were scary.  But they were so infrequent and only lasted a split second. Over the years they have progressed. Now it is to the point where I may have several in one day. I may have a day without any, but those days are very few and far between. But when they occur they are more frightening every time. The episodes are lasting longer, and are more intense. And occasionally, instead of feeling like a single missed beat, they are intense, very rapid beats upwards of 120 bpm.  Those are the worst, although more uncommon.  

     I have been to the doctor. Every time they have said "Everything looks fine." and sent me on my way. They have done all sorts of testing, with the exception of the holter monitor and event monitor because I simply do not have the money to pay for that testing. But every test they have done has shown nothing out of the ordinary. I have been told that it is normal and even healthy people experience palpitations. I have been told it's because of my anxiety. I have been told it could be a magnesium deficiency. I have been told that I may be insulin resistant.  I have been told it could be many things but I have not received a definitive diagnosis or cause or treatment option... NOTHING. 

     So, here I am. Still not really knowing and still experiences these palpitations that are starting to cripple the way I live.  I am afraid to move. I am afraid to be alone. I am afraid to eat. I am afraid to not eat. I am afraid to yawn or sneeze or cough.  I am afraid to walk or run or carry anything heavy. I am afraid to be intimate with my husband. I am afraid.  There are days that I am so stricken with the fear of possibly causing an episode of palpitations that I only want to sleep. Because I never feel anything when I am sleeping.

     But the thing is, I still haven't identified any sort of cause or stressor. I cannot determine any type of stimuli. So, without spending a thousand dollars for a cardiologist, I have no idea what it is or could be.

     Anyway, the point is that every time I have an episode I try not to freak out. I try to pray and quote Gods's word. I try not to worry, but I can't help it!  What do I have to do to TRUST in Him?!?!?  How can I NOT worry?!?!  I am struggling to give it over to God and I feel so guilty for thinking that I can handle it better than He can! 

     Well, I don't know what to do. I don't know to make myself not feel a certain way. All I know is that my joy is slipping away. I am becoming a homebody/hermit.  I am sinking in these feelings of worry and doubt, all the while trying to keep a smile on my face and a laugh in my voice because I don't want everyone to know, especially my children.  

     I want to be among "those who trust". I want to be unshakeable. I want to grow in my relationship with God. I want to KNOW that I have nothing to fear, not just hear or read it.  Where do I go from here?