It Ain't Easy Being Clean

Do you know who I am?  I am Constance Renee Sorrow.  I am the girl that has always been described as upbeat, happy, outgoing, encouraging, talented, helpful, funny, sweet, and kind, among other positive adjectives.  And let me tell you, I never tired of hearing all the wonderful things that people had to say about me.  I even believed most of the compliments that were so graciously bestowed upon me. I feel like that's who I was. I was that awesome, funny, fun-loving girl that everyone loved being around.  I was always invited to hang out or attend some party or be a part of someone's special occasion.  I was sought after for support, advice, and company. I was considered a friend to many. That's who I was....

This is who I am... I am the girl that feels depressed and anxious. I am broken and lonely. I am filled with self-doubt. I am convinced of my unrighteousness.  I am sad and introverted. So what changed?

As I have examined my life and compared and contrasted the situations and circumstances surrounding me then and now I have noticed some stark differences. I was lost but now I'm found. I was living in sin and now I am longing for righteousness.  I was drinking and smoking weed and burning with lust and lying and cursing and devoting myself to earthly pleasure and comfort and now I am seeking God and trying to live for Him and devoting my time to prayer and study and worship.

So why, now that I have "turned my life around", do I feel so dismal? Why am I not the same happy girl I used to be? Where did all of my friends go? Why do I seem to keep encountering trial after trial after trial?  Why, since giving my life to God, do I find myself feeling alone in this world?  You would think that I would find this unspeakable joy and happiness that I have always heard about in referrence to a relationship with God and Jesus. So, what am I doing wrong?!

Well, I was considering all of this a few nights ago. I sat wondering why I wasn't still able to be that same girl from a few years ago, but even better now that I have God. The next morning was like any typical morning.  I woke up early and made myself a cup of coffee. I sat down with all my books, binders, and my Bible. I cleared my mind and started studying. Then it hit me.  I came across John 15:19:

"If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you."

Wow.  Talk about confirmation.  I do not belong to the world.  That verse (and many others I have read recently) has given me some insight into myself and my circumstances lately. I am not LIKE the girl I used to be because I am NOT the girl I used to be. THANK GOD!

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.  ~Galatians 2:20

I am not the same.  I am better. I am a new creation!

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.  ~2 Corinthians 5:17

I will encounter trials and tribulations because I am working towards righteousness.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  ~James 1:2-3

Though things may not be all "fine and dandy", it is no longer earthly happiness and comfort I am seeking.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.   ~Romans 8:18

I feel like Satan wants me to feel depressed and lonely and wants me to long for all the things I used to have that made me "happy".  I think he wants me to want them so badly and miss them so badly that I fall back into the life I once knew. He wants me to fall into temptation and away from God.

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  ~1 Peter 5:8

Perhaps I am not what the world considers "happy" because I am not happy in the world. I am disgusted by the flesh. I am humbled for sin. I want to be perfected in Him.

Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.  For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.  ~1 John 2:15-16

My joy and peace is much more than situational "happiness".

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."   ~John 14:27

My hope and prayer every day is that I may be counted among the holy and righteous. That I might not grieve God's Holy Spirit. That I am in His will. I am forgiven. I am His and His alone. And I am happy with that.

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.  

~1 Peter 1:6-9

I may not have everything I want on this earth. But, in the end, I will have what really matters most.

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ  and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ.  For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith.  I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death,  so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!  I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me.  No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead,  I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.  ~Philippians 3:8-14

So, as the title says, "It ain't easy being clean". I know that it won't be easy. And I am prepared for that.  But I will press forward and continue my walk in faith. I will rejoice in the Lord. I will choose to be clean and not defiled. My hope and prayer is that anyone who reads this will consider a relationship with Christ, knowing that it won't be all rainbows and rose petals on earth, in hopes that the great reward will be theirs in eternity. And that those who are familiar with Christ will not be discouraged by the world or their earthly desires and will continue to grow in Christ despite their circumstances. My heart grieves for the lost souls and I am saddened by those who think they are "ok" because they are "good people".  For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;  not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.  ~Ephesians 2:8-9

 I love you all. God bless.