BE SOMEONE FOR SOMEBODY TODAY!

Yesterday, it was reported that Robin Williams died of an apparent suicide. It has also been reported that he has been struggling with severe depression. This has been a shock to me because, even though I do not know him personally, I loved him, related to him, and saw some of myself in him. As Joanne Feldman said "Sometimes those who make us laugh and smile the most are the ones hurting the most. If only he felt the same joy that he brought us." For this reason, I am posting this blog and making it public. The following thoughts are things that I have personally experienced over the past few months. They may seem random, and that's because they are. I just wrote whenever I was feeling a certain way. I tried to get it out without dragging other people down. Please understand that this is very personal.

Nothing is more lonely than being depressed and nobody knowing or caring.

I am not the me I want to be, and I am beginning to give up on becoming  that person. It's just too hard.

What they say is true, that when difficulties arise you find out who your true friends are.... unfortunately, that is a very lonely place.

My husband asked me the other day, "what happened? you used to be so outgoing and optimistic and upbeat." I wish I had the answer and the solution.

It's unfortunate that the people who are supposed to love you only point out your faults. Nothing I do or say is good enough. Nobody notices that I have done anything unless it hasn't been done.  

People only want to criticize me.

I don't belong here.

I don't know what to do.

I hurt.

I am sad.

I am irritable.

I am very lonely.

I am tired of trying to fit in and make everyone else happy.

I can't do this anymore.

I. Just. Can't.

I feel forgotten.... yet, it seems that when people DO remember me, it's because I am being criticized.

Ya know, sometimes people who said they would never hurt you forget their promises. The people who you thought would never change... have changed.  The ones who were selfless and caring have developed a hardened heart full of bitterness. You just have to remember that when people treat you poorly, it is a direct reflection of them and the content of their character. The best thing you can do for yourself and the situation is to step back and let them be who they have become. Loving someone does not mean you have to put yourself in the path of their destruction. Sometimes it's best to love from a distance. But most importantly it is important to love, even the unloveable.

I am trying to get back to me. The me I used to be.. minus the bad stuff.  I can still be fun without being drunk. I can still be cool without smoking. I can still be accepted without cursing. I can still be loved without giving in to sexual sin. I can be better without losing who I am fundamentally. Right?

i am so over being disappointed by people. i now realize that if i didn't care so much, trust so much, love so much, hope so much.... that my heart would never be broken. 

help.

These are a collection of my thoughts and feelings over several months. I don't know why I became depressed, but I did. Very depressed (please spare me your opinions on why I was depressed). And in true "Renee" fashion, I tried to hide it. I tried to conceal my fears and anxieties. I tried not to cry in front of people. I tried not to burden anyone with my insecurities. I tried to leave the house without having an anxiety attack.  I tried... and the result was this sad, mean, panic-ridden woman I did not recognize. 

I didn't hold it ALL in though. I told my friend. I told my very best friend, the only friend who has been there for the past 8 years. And what happened? She ignored me... on purpose. She admitted that she knew I was depressed and she admitted that I had told her I was depressed... And she distanced herself from me. She tested the boundaries of our friendship and waited to see if I would call or come visit her. In her words "l was never too busy to notice. I've known for a while that you are depressed. You have told me that you are.  You seemed as if you didn't really want much to do with me so I kept my distance."  And she also admitted that she "wanted to see if" I would call. So, in my time of need, I was alone. The one person I talked to and trusted ignored me. I sank even deeper.

Yes, suicide had crossed my mind. The thoughts of "Who cares?", "There's no point.", "This is too much.", "I can't do this anymore.".... all those thoughts crept in on me. It just seemed as though I was all alone and nobody cared. It seemed as though, since I was no longer drinking, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed, being immoral, that everyone who had been there was not there anymore. I was alone. The last thing I needed was for the only person who knew that I was struggling to walk away from me. But, thanks be to God, I am better now. Am I the me I want to be yet? No. But I am better today than yesterday and I will be better tomorrow than today. I do have something to live for. Yes, I have a husband and children and a family.... but I am putting Christ first and by His grace I am pulling through.

I am not looking for sympathy or advice or more people "thinking" that they know me to tell me all the things I need to do to be a better person or to be happy.  I am here to tell you that you may know someone RIGHT NOW that is battling these kinds of thoughts and feelings. DON'T WALK AWAY! Let them know that you are there for them, even if they push you away. They are hurting and they are vulnerable. They need someone to talk to. They need someone who can listen and not judge them. They need someone who will let them cry and tell them that they love them. They need someone who will be a friend. They need someone who will share their burden.  I encourage you, BE THAT SOMEONE FOR SOMEBODY TODAY! Don't let it be after someone decides to give up before you realize that you could've been there for them.

And if you are battling depression, please, I beg of you, talk to somebody. Talk to a friend, a counselor, a pastor, me, anybody! As difficult as it is, don't withdraw into yourself. If it seems as though things are too much to handle, seek someone to help you. Try with all of your might to not give up. If you want to talk to someone, I am always willing and happy to help. You can contact me on Facebook ( Renee Sorrow ) or by e-mail ( stewart8283@yahoo.com ). There are also people you can talk to anonymously ( Crisis/Suicide Prevention Hotline )


I will leave you all with this passage of scripture:
His Grace is Sufficient

Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
~2 Corinthians 12:7-10