Am I supposed to "feel it"?

I enjoy reading God's Word. I enjoy the heartfelt, tear-shedding, soul-bearing prayer life I have with Him. I finally found a church that I am willing to call "home".  I love learning! I love attending Bible Study! I love going to Life Group (small group study at church).... so why, then, do I find myself not wanting to participate as of late? Or.. not so much not "wanting" to participate.  More like not "feeling" it....

I feel like there is a lack of energy or effort put forth towards these things. And it's difficult for me to determine if my zeal is missing or others'...  I feel like every time I show up to Bible Study ready to learn and listen, nobody is there. There is a lack of participation, even so much so that the Bible Study leaders have a hard time showing up, which leaves me in a room by myself.  I find that there is no one passionate about going to church, only people going through the motions, so I feel funny when I seem to be the only one who is moved by the worship or the message. It seems as though people have become lazy with their responsibility within the church, which doesn't motivate me to volunteer at all. Or how about when I do volunteer and I am rejected? (That's a whole other blog post :/  ) The small group that I am a part of has very few reliable participants, which is discouraging when you look around and other peoples' groups are thriving.

Is it my age range?  Do people in their 30's lose some sort of dedication or desire towards their faith? Is this all in my head? Am I the only one who has noticed a drop in ambition?  I know that I shouldn't let the emotions, actions, or passions of other people affect the way that I serve and learn and grow spiritually... but where are the other passionate people?!?!  

How do YOU stay motivated or inspired to read the Word, pray, study, attend church, or grow spiritually?  In what ways do you try to motivate or inspire others around you? Is it necessary to "feel it"? Or is it pointless to do these things without fervor?

Complain much?

I have thought about this topic for a while now and struggled with what I wanted to say.... So, I am gonna cheat and provide a couple of links that I found helpful!  :)
How can I overcome a critical spirit?
What does the Bible say about complaining?

The links will take you to a couple of short articles written on the subject of complaining and being critical. If you don't want to read them (although I highly recommend it) here is a summarized version:

"Clearly, as believers we are challenged not to grumble or complain (Philippians 2:14-15;1 Peter 4:9); rather, we are to love one another deeply so that we may become “blameless and pure” in God’s eyes. If we grumble and complain, it shows how worldly we still are (James 4:1-3). A complaining spirit leads to fighting and quarrelling because complaints come from unfulfilled desires, which lead to envy and strife."
"The condition of our heart is crucial.Luke 6:45 says, "The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." Critical words spring from a critical heart.  Another important area is our thought lives (Romans 12:1-2;2 Corinthians 10:5). Rather than focus on what is missing, we should think about what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8)."

BE SOMEONE FOR SOMEBODY TODAY!

Yesterday, it was reported that Robin Williams died of an apparent suicide. It has also been reported that he has been struggling with severe depression. This has been a shock to me because, even though I do not know him personally, I loved him, related to him, and saw some of myself in him. As Joanne Feldman said "Sometimes those who make us laugh and smile the most are the ones hurting the most. If only he felt the same joy that he brought us." For this reason, I am posting this blog and making it public. The following thoughts are things that I have personally experienced over the past few months. They may seem random, and that's because they are. I just wrote whenever I was feeling a certain way. I tried to get it out without dragging other people down. Please understand that this is very personal.

Nothing is more lonely than being depressed and nobody knowing or caring.

I am not the me I want to be, and I am beginning to give up on becoming  that person. It's just too hard.

What they say is true, that when difficulties arise you find out who your true friends are.... unfortunately, that is a very lonely place.

My husband asked me the other day, "what happened? you used to be so outgoing and optimistic and upbeat." I wish I had the answer and the solution.

It's unfortunate that the people who are supposed to love you only point out your faults. Nothing I do or say is good enough. Nobody notices that I have done anything unless it hasn't been done.  

People only want to criticize me.

I don't belong here.

I don't know what to do.

I hurt.

I am sad.

I am irritable.

I am very lonely.

I am tired of trying to fit in and make everyone else happy.

I can't do this anymore.

I. Just. Can't.

I feel forgotten.... yet, it seems that when people DO remember me, it's because I am being criticized.

Ya know, sometimes people who said they would never hurt you forget their promises. The people who you thought would never change... have changed.  The ones who were selfless and caring have developed a hardened heart full of bitterness. You just have to remember that when people treat you poorly, it is a direct reflection of them and the content of their character. The best thing you can do for yourself and the situation is to step back and let them be who they have become. Loving someone does not mean you have to put yourself in the path of their destruction. Sometimes it's best to love from a distance. But most importantly it is important to love, even the unloveable.

I am trying to get back to me. The me I used to be.. minus the bad stuff.  I can still be fun without being drunk. I can still be cool without smoking. I can still be accepted without cursing. I can still be loved without giving in to sexual sin. I can be better without losing who I am fundamentally. Right?

i am so over being disappointed by people. i now realize that if i didn't care so much, trust so much, love so much, hope so much.... that my heart would never be broken. 

help.

These are a collection of my thoughts and feelings over several months. I don't know why I became depressed, but I did. Very depressed (please spare me your opinions on why I was depressed). And in true "Renee" fashion, I tried to hide it. I tried to conceal my fears and anxieties. I tried not to cry in front of people. I tried not to burden anyone with my insecurities. I tried to leave the house without having an anxiety attack.  I tried... and the result was this sad, mean, panic-ridden woman I did not recognize. 

I didn't hold it ALL in though. I told my friend. I told my very best friend, the only friend who has been there for the past 8 years. And what happened? She ignored me... on purpose. She admitted that she knew I was depressed and she admitted that I had told her I was depressed... And she distanced herself from me. She tested the boundaries of our friendship and waited to see if I would call or come visit her. In her words "l was never too busy to notice. I've known for a while that you are depressed. You have told me that you are.  You seemed as if you didn't really want much to do with me so I kept my distance."  And she also admitted that she "wanted to see if" I would call. So, in my time of need, I was alone. The one person I talked to and trusted ignored me. I sank even deeper.

Yes, suicide had crossed my mind. The thoughts of "Who cares?", "There's no point.", "This is too much.", "I can't do this anymore.".... all those thoughts crept in on me. It just seemed as though I was all alone and nobody cared. It seemed as though, since I was no longer drinking, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed, being immoral, that everyone who had been there was not there anymore. I was alone. The last thing I needed was for the only person who knew that I was struggling to walk away from me. But, thanks be to God, I am better now. Am I the me I want to be yet? No. But I am better today than yesterday and I will be better tomorrow than today. I do have something to live for. Yes, I have a husband and children and a family.... but I am putting Christ first and by His grace I am pulling through.

I am not looking for sympathy or advice or more people "thinking" that they know me to tell me all the things I need to do to be a better person or to be happy.  I am here to tell you that you may know someone RIGHT NOW that is battling these kinds of thoughts and feelings. DON'T WALK AWAY! Let them know that you are there for them, even if they push you away. They are hurting and they are vulnerable. They need someone to talk to. They need someone who can listen and not judge them. They need someone who will let them cry and tell them that they love them. They need someone who will be a friend. They need someone who will share their burden.  I encourage you, BE THAT SOMEONE FOR SOMEBODY TODAY! Don't let it be after someone decides to give up before you realize that you could've been there for them.

And if you are battling depression, please, I beg of you, talk to somebody. Talk to a friend, a counselor, a pastor, me, anybody! As difficult as it is, don't withdraw into yourself. If it seems as though things are too much to handle, seek someone to help you. Try with all of your might to not give up. If you want to talk to someone, I am always willing and happy to help. You can contact me on Facebook ( Renee Sorrow ) or by e-mail ( stewart8283@yahoo.com ). There are also people you can talk to anonymously ( Crisis/Suicide Prevention Hotline )


I will leave you all with this passage of scripture:
His Grace is Sufficient

Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
~2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Once Saved, Always Saved

I was reading through some things the other day about different denominations and doctrines and such. The differences between Baptist, Presbyterian, Episcopalian, Pentecostal, etc. are few in number it seems, yet major in belief at some times. It was interesting, though, as I was reading trying to see which I identified with more. I read from more than one source that Baptists believe "Once saved, Always saved" and I wondered how I felt about that. Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind before! The idea that once you believe and confess and give your life to Christ... that's it. You will never lose salvation. You can do whatever you want and still be saved.... Really? Not to discount someone else's beliefs, but for me personally, I think otherwise...
I found a website that explains how I feel better than I can (not great with those word-thingys) Once Saved, Always Saved - Fact or Fiction?   Click here for the opposing argument.
(Yes, I do believe that salvation is a gift that cannot be earned, because we are all unworthy of it. But gifts can be returned/rejected.)

I think that if you willingly walk away from or turn your back on salvation (even after you have accepted it) that you have made a conscious decision to abandon that salvation (although, I do believe that it is still available to you if you so choose to accept it again).  I don't see what the point would be for God to say "Oh, you have accepted Jesus as your personal savior?!?! Great! Now go and live as the world does! Nothing has to change. Just be who you've been, or worse, and I will still allow you to receive the gift of being with me eternally!" Now, I am not saying that if you sin, you will lose the gift of salvation. We all sin. ALL of us. Yes, even you. But it is one thing to be human and occasionally sin and feel guilty and repent and turn towards God, and another thing entirely to spit in His face and say "I'm gonna live how I wanna live."

I probably shouldn't have written about such a touchy subject, but I am curious to know how you feel and how you substantiate your beliefs biblically.

Here are some scriptures that stood out to me.

Hebrews 6:4-6  For it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit,  and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come,  and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt.

Hebrews 10:26-27 For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries.

2 Peter 2:20-22  For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world through the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the last state has become worse for them than the first. For it would have been better for them never to have known the way of righteousness than after knowing it to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them. What the true proverb says has happened to them: “The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire.”

WHAT SAY YOU?!?!

Passion

~"strong and barely controllable emotion"~

A little while ago, I showed someone a video of a great worship song being performed by a local church. It was beautiful! The melody, the harmony, the lyrics... it was a moving song and they did a fantastic job performing it! However, the first comment I received from this person was "Wow... they look so excited." in regards to the congregation.  Needless to say, it was a facetious remark. There was no excitement from the audience. There was no emotion. There was no outward display of joy or worship or... anything. It was then pointed out that the congregation at this person's church acted in the same way. Emotionless. My response was "Well, I guess everyone worships in their own way."  Which I totally believe is true, but it did get me to thinking.... Where is their passion?

~There is an epidemic of misplaced passion.~

So, the past week or so, I have made it a point to observe people and their enthusiasm.  I have noticed that people ARE passionate! They DO express outward emotion!!!  When it comes to a sporting event, a video game, a tv show, a video on YouTube, a rant on Facebook, a song about family traditions, what they eat, exercising, animals... what's missing? God. There is an epidemic of misplaced passion.  People who claim to know Jesus aren't excited about Jesus. People who are moved by a song about drinking and smoking aren't phased by a song about being free from the bondage of sin. People who will talk and talk and talk about gun rights will not discuss briefly their relationship with Christ.  People ARE passionate, but mostly about earthly matters. It was really an eye-opener, to realize that we place our joy in things that are insignificant in the "grand scheme of things".  

~For me personally~

I, too, have felt the lackadaisical atmosphere at church, at Bible study, in small groups, during praise and worship, and many other activities that pertain to our faith in Jesus Christ. I have often felt the need to contain my joy or emotion or conviction because those around me are seemingly apathetic. For me personally, I am very moved by music. There is something about music and singing that releases a world of emotion within me that is otherwise left undiscovered. How sad would it be for me to be passionate about songs that glorify the use of alcohol, drugs, profanity, lust, and greed yet become indifferent to songs about my LORD and SAVIOR?  How unfortunate for us to shout for joy because a human being put a ball through a goal and sit silently as we hear the GOOD NEWS about Jesus Christ DYING for us even though we are sinners?!? 

~What about you?~

The Bible says that "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" and most people agree that "actions speak louder than words", so wouldn't it be safe to say that our actions/reactions are a direct reflection of the contents of our heart as well? 

~Think about it... where is YOUR passion?~

Are you busy?

     

     Wow, have I been busy lately?!?!  Whew!  But it's the kind of busy where you don't really "accomplish" anything, ya know? Haha!  I was thinking about this yesterday as I had a long conversation with myself...  Man, I've been busy!   Church, life group, worship, Bible study twice a week, daily reading plan, prayer, devotions, not to mention the cooking and cleaning and raising of the children....  Just a lot of things happening right now, which for me is great. I prefer to be busy. I prefer not to be idle. I enjoy being involved with the church and progressing in my spiritual growth. But as I pondered my busyness, I began to compare the difference in being busy and being productive.

     Busyness does not guarantee productivity. We can spend all day going, going, going and not really get anything done.  The same can be said for our spiritual walk. We can go to church every time the doors open and we can volunteer for every need and we can go to group study sessions... but without that one on one relationship with God, what are we really accomplishing?

     I recently read an article aimed at Pastors, but this one part really stuck out at me:
"We also need to make prayer and Bible reading a major function of our daily discipline. Spiritual health is not birthed out of busyness for God but by creating space in the soul to hear from God and talk to God. "
~http://thegospelcoalition.org/article/pastors-you-make-your-own-sandwich

     That is so true. We need that quality time with our Father. Not "quantity" time being seen and heard.  I am reminded of the scripture that says:  "Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord." ~Colossians 3:22

     This passage in context is spoken in reference to obeying earthly masters... Shouldn't it be that way even more so in our serving the Lord? Shouldn't we do things out of the sincerity of our hearts, not to please men or gain their approval? This is not to say that we should not be involved or participate in such activities as church functions or group studies, etc. But, I believe that we should be doing ALL things to honor God and to please HIM.  If we are doing things with the wrong motives or intentions, what will we gain? How will we develop in Christ?

     For me, personally, I enjoy being with Christ-centered people. I have a passion for music. I love to learn. I desire wholesome conversation. That is why I like to involve myself in various activities. I know that I could be doing much worse things with my time, that's for sure. I don't want to be like the old me. I want to be transformed. I want to be spiritually healthy. But I also know that I need to be productive in my activities. I need to be an example. I need to bring others to Christ. I need to talk to God and nurture my relationship with Him before any other.  It is important that we do not become so busy in our activities that our relationship with God becomes stagnant.

     

Pray?

    

      I am going to take this time to allow myself to be vulnerable and open with my most recent thoughts and emotions. I welcome feedback, instruction, insight, and even correction.

     The thing that I seem to be struggling with lately is prayer. I am going through this "phase" where I wonder HOW I should be praying or WHAT I should be praying for, or even WHY...

     It's like this: God knows everything. He knows my heart. He knows what I seek. So, why should I ask for things? Also, I feel like "Who am I?" to be asking things of God? I feel so meaningless in the great big scheme of things. And just how effective is prayer? It's not a magic wand. God already knows the outcome. It's kind of like a "What's the point?" thing. I know that I need to pray, and I still do. Yet, I wonder if it is effective. We have been discussing James 1 in Bible Study on TeamSpeak3 and it speaks to praying with unwavering faith, praying without doubt, and I don't think that I have doubts in prayer, but then again I can't say that with any amount of certainty, so there is something I have doubts about...

     Ok, example:   A couple of weeks ago Carter, my son, had a fever. He has had seizures associated with fever in the past. On that Wednesday night, I specifically prayed for him to not have another seizure. On Thursday morning I awoke to the terrifying sound of him gasping for breath, and opened my eyes to him convulsing with his eyes rolled back in his head, foaming at the mouth, his lips turning blue. 

     No, I don't "blame" God. No, I am not angry that I didn't "get what I asked for". But I do wonder, how effective is prayer? And if He already had a plan and knows how things will happen (and I do NOT question His plan) what does it matter if I ask for something? I asked and He said "No". Ok. I get it, it was part of His plan. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." ~Romans 8:28

     But, was my prayer the night before just a waste of breath? Was I doubting? Was I asking outside the will of God? I know that I am supposed to ask in faith, believing that I will receive.(Mark 11:24)  I know I need to pray about everything (Phil 4:6) and pray without ceasing (1 Thess 5:17)  I know God answers prayer (and sometimes the answer is yes, no, or not yet.)

     I know that He is the Father and I am His daughter and He wants to hear from me and have a relationship with me. And I know that I can approach the throne with boldness... But for some reason I still feel.... discouraged. 

I will continue to pray, to talk to God. I will try my best the only way I know how. But I would love some insight on how you feel about prayer, how you should pray, what you should pray for, how you stay encouraged through prayer, etc.  And, like I said at the beginning, I believe this is a "phase" and is more about me in my emotions and living inside my own head more than anything. I obviously have some things I need to sort out.... Ok, see there I go again, trying to take control away from God. Trying to place all the weight on my shoulders, when He loves me and will help me. So let me say, there are obviously some things that God is still working on in me.